The Period of Uncertainties
If you’re reading this wherever you are in this world, I hope you’re doing fine in this awful time. Here I am, in the middle of the night writing this in my attic bedroom with no lights on while Coldplay’s Parachute album plays in the background. The vibe is gloomier because it’s rain outside too. There is the loudness of the silence of the world in the middle of the night that drives me to write this.
Gloominess, silence, desperation, insanity, confusion, madness, unfairness, uncertainties, disappointment, misery, grief, loss, perhaps you might familiar with these words this year. Apart from what we currently believe in, I know each of us would like to swear out of loud and raise our middle fingers in the air. Too many bad things happened in 2020 that make us feel like we want to raise the white flag. Before the pandemic happened, my ambitions to reach certain things were beyond my league until I realize that what I need the most is as simple as keeping my sanity right on the track. Staying sane in this awful time is such a blessing.
This is a strange time, even stranger than fiction. Never any single thing crossed my mind that I would live with fear which I have to be extra careful with everything that I touch and most importantly this affects the whole nation, the whole globe, the whole world. Ironically, our enemies are something that cannot be seen by our bare eyes. It feels like we’re currently fighting ghosts. Too strange to be true. This pandemic reminds me of the movie ‘Birdbox’ on Netflix, the difference is our current life is being threatened by getting close with another people and in Birdbox movie where everyone was expected to bring blindfolding to protect ourselves from the ‘creature’, in this case, we’re expected to wear a mask to protect ourselves from these invisible viruses.
You know what? I thought my life would be threatened by a huge monster attacking the whole city or there would be zombies attack the town. I feel like this pandemic is sort of an ‘invisible war’, you don’t see it with your bare eyes but it kills you slowly. The terms the ‘new normal’ truthfully makes me scared and annoy me at the same time because this is not the future I aspire to have. Part of me still believes that this strange situation would remain temporary but this phrase ‘new normal’ seems like everyone implies that this would be last forever like this would be ‘literally’ be our future.
With the economy that has been affected and shaking us through ups and downs, this pandemic has tested my survival skill both mentally and financially. The vibe of the new normal is too real which requires me to adapt immediately or I won’t survive. What I’m trying to say is: We are all amateurs here. We are all first-timers here on facing this pandemic. No one of us has ideas, clues, or experiences on surviving this pandemic, all we do is trying anything that comes up in our mind we think is the right action. You might notice so many people are starting to build a small business during this pandemic for the sake of surviving. So many people are trying to do countless jobs as long as being able to see another sunrise. The domino effect from this pandemic is too frightening to be true, starting from being extra careful to touch anything and distancing two meters from each other can determine your life and death.
Do you know what I despise the most yet this is inevitable during this pandemic? This pandemic has shown us that privilege plays a big role in someone’s fortune. I never meant to antagonize privilege but it just how life practically works. I still remember the conversation I had with a friend of mine that this pandemic was (supposed to) bring fortune to us because God just let us rest for a while from the world. We could meditate or doing something that no office-hour could provide us such time like this: the working-life-balance type. My friend’s thought about this pandemic might be true, but at the same time, I feel guilty to admit my privilege for having no worries to stay at home. Here’s the thing, there are people out there who can’t even have a meal without going to work. Some people are required to go out for the sake of keeping the electricity turns on. It’s ironic that even staying at home people still need modal, not everyone can afford to only stay at home. This pandemic has shown us nothing is free. I assume most of you have watched the movie ‘Parasite’ and recall the raining scene that the rich saw the rain as a blessing because it cleared up the pollution yet it gave disaster for the poor that caused their houses drowning. The unfairness between social classes is clearly shown that we might face the same storm but each of us stays on a different boat.
It’s an enormous dilemma which one is needed to be rescued first: whether you have to stop the viruses from spreading but at the same time, there are people out there who only rely on daily income. No income means no food to be served on the table. An empty stomach could lead to another disease, some people need to survive even as simple as putting the food in the mouth. It’s a huge dilemma because this pandemic has a different impact on every person. If you have enough emergency funds to live for the rest of the year, this PSBB/lockdown might not be an issue for you.
I have to confess but at the same time, I feel guilty to admit that I have enough privilege to have fewer worries if compared to the less fortunate. Yeah, my current business is affected but not that much, no need to layoff the employees nor do salary reduction and the business is still running as well. The things that keep haunted my mind: what can I do to make things better? What kind of help that I can do? I realized this pandemic has increased and woken up the altruistic side of every person which even such small action could be matter to anyone. I started from the smallest thing that I can do such as buying my friends’ dagangan or participating in fund-raising. I have to confess (again) that before the pandemic I could spend the amount of money in a blink of an eye, this pandemic has woken me up that the amount of money that I’ve spent could be transferred to those who needed. Their reaction was so heart-warming and priceless, I mean I never thought a certain amount of money or action could mean a LOT to anyone. At least this is the brighter side of this pandemic that in this miserable time we could give a spark of happiness to others. The viruses might be contagious, but don’t forget happiness is contagious too.
I don’t know exactly where my life takes me in the next few years because so many plans are altered, postponed, or even canceled. I’m currently in a period of uncertainties in making any vital decisions in my life. No matter how miserable this current time is, the optimism on living this life is still flaming inside of me. I believe one day I will strolling along 5th Avenue NYC while listening to Empire State of Mind, or I will do the solo trip (or with the loved ones?) to do an architectural tour of my favorite Japanese architects. I’m still trying my best to see the brighter side of this pandemic although sometimes deep inside I want to raise my middle finger in the air. Lately, during the lockdown, I’ve been digging the inner skill inside of me that I never discovered before. It’s heart-warming that in this time with full of uncertainties, people still find a way to spend their time with meaningful activities.
After all, stay sane.
LR
